Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
