The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
