life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
