Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
