I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Pooping to opera.
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