i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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