This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
