Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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