so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
