youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
