There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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