My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
