make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
