Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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