My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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