Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
