my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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