My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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