Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
