He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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