Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
