After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
