so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
