whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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