wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
