He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
