yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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