Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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