I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
