It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I came so hard my ears popped.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
