after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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