porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
