Hippo gnu deer
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
