is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
