The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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