so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
