Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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