i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
