It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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