Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
