On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
