I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
