No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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