Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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