You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
