It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
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