The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
