Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
