Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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