Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
